Happy Birthday My Love

Dearest Harper,

Today marks four years since you crept into the world in a deafening silence. No cry, not a single breath, just silence so loud that it could shatter glass, and hearts. I remember those moments as if they were only yesterday, how could one not, the memory of you burnt into my brain as it were branded in with a hot iron. You. Were. Beautiful.

I held you, for hours, memorizing every inch of you, from your cap of black curly hair to how your fingers were long and slender, and perfect. It has been four years since I handed you over to our nurse for the last time. I watched her wheel you down the hall, and I thought to myself, how does anyone survive this? I watched the nurses take a piece of my soul, and I handed it over willingly because I had no other option. How does a mother survive giving back her child?

It has been four years since you died, since my heart was broken, and piece of me went with you. I understand that unless you have been through the loss of a child yourself, you don’t fully grasp the concept of the amount of grief a mother is burdened with.  It is an insurmountable task to overcome; in all honesty, a mother never gets over it. No matter what the reports from tests say, you feel some fault, some sort of failure because that is what your body is made for, to grow and nurture, and birth a child, and when your body fails you, and you lose a child, it is a sea of feelings you must wade through. Even the fathers of the babies lost do not quite understand what is happening in your head and heart, the battle that rages within.

Often, people ignore the subject because it is so taboo to talk about the baby that died. It is, at times, the elephant in the room that is seemingly invisible. I have watched as people tip toe around it, ignore it completely, and then there are those who have no comprehension of how far you’ve come in your journey and they criticize you for still being sad, even four years later. I am the first to tell you, I have more good days than bad, and those bad days are few and far between because I finally allowed myself to relish in the happiness of my little family, even if it is incomplete without you. But, I still have bad days, because I miss you. I would question my own self if this ever changed. I will always miss you because the heart wants what it wants and it wants you to be here so it can be complete again.

Criticizing grief is like throwing an anchor to a person who is already drowning

RaeAnn Fredrickson

I have my moments, we all do. My heart aches when I realize that I won’t ever hear your first word, see your first steps, or ever see you dance in a recital with your sisters. It leaves room for many moments of pondering. Wondering what your hair would look like, what your tiny voice would sound like, what your favorite show would be, would you like pirates like your baby sister? It is in these moments that a pang hits my heart because I miss you. And I realize that I will always be left with those things to wonder about. But this is my life; this is the path that has been chosen for me to walk down. Someone had to be the one in one million.

I have come a long way in the last four years. I went from being unable to escape my bed, to being unable to escape irrational fears of losing your sister, to watching your siblings grow into these beautiful little people, and being able to ENJOY it, it is something I never thought I would find again. I never thought that I would be able to be happy again. You showed me the way back to happiness, a way to honor your memory while still living my life. You guided me to where I am at today, helping me to find the silver lining in all the storm clouds that are sent my way. Last year RAK for Harper went international, and people all around the world took a moment to do a random act of kindness for someone in your honor. This made your birthday so meaningful. To know your name, your tiny life was celebrated all over the world. What mother would not be proud?

It is unbelievable that four years have passed since I last kissed the top of your head and breathed deeply your scent, whispering all those I love yous in your ear. I have so many things I never had the chance to tell you because I was riddled with the wounds of grief. I will settle for being able to tell you here. I love you Harper, more than words written could ever explain. You will always be my daughter, and that love will never change. I feel very lucky to have had the chance to be your mom.

If I had one wish for your birthday, it would be to send you all the love and kisses I have missed out on giving you over the last four years. One day, I can only hope that I get that chance.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl, I love you and I miss you.

Love,

Mommy

Birthday Wishes

Dear Harper,

My heart breaks on a daily basis. It is an ache so intense that you feel you might implode on yourself. You forget everything but the pain. I flash to your beautiful face, so perfect, so angelic. Death would have been a welcomed relief in those hours. Remembering my heart hitting the floor when I handed you back for the last time, knowing I would never see you again but also knowing it was time to let go. In that moment, actually feeling your heart shatter into a million pieces, knowing it would never be whole again.

Flash forward two years, where has the time gone? How has it been two years since I laid in the hospital knowing you were not coming home with me, not in a way that I wanted. I wonder about the what ifs and who you would be.Would you have my curly hair or would you have straight hair like your daddy? Would you have blue eyes or green? Pigtails or not? All the things I see in my dreams.So many unanswered questions about you and who you are.

I have spent the last two years learning who I am without you. Learning to live with a piece missing from heart and soul. Learning how to walk tall and call myself your mother.  Giving myself wholly and loving more freely because I wanted everyone to know your love. To know the love of a child, never wavering, always constant, and completely unconditional. I stand up tall and strong, proudly saying your name. Showing people that it is possible to move on even without healing.  I have tried my hardest and even with my foul ups I think I am succeeding.

If I had one wish for your birthday it would be to show you the world, the love that fills it just for you. I try to experience that love for you. I try to see everything with new eyes for you. Experience everything for the first time for you. I am not dwelling on your death, I am relishing in your life. The taste of the icing on a cupcake, or licking the spoon after making brownies. The joy that is your sister beating on the pots and pans with spoons. Her ripping everything out of the drawers. It is all beautiful and it has been the most magical experience to see if from the eyes .

Of course if I had my way there would be a million and one wishes that I would have for you. Showing you the world, showing you a life of joy and meaning.  Watching you race across the yard with your brother and sister. Instead, two years have flown by before my eyes...two long and heart warming yet heartbreaking years. We released balloons today, as always, with letters to you and we watched as they were snatched from the sky into the heavens by your tiny hands. A sight most beautiful.

I stand here before you, my heart never healing yet learning how to live without you in my world. Signs of your presence come often and I always say "Message received sweet Bean, loud and clear." I know you reach to touch us and show us you are okay and they always come through, received with loving and open arms and for that I thank you.

You are such a beautiful girl, showing me how to live. I want to live every day of my life to make you proud to call me Momma. Every day that passes is one day closer to us meeting again, though I want to make sure my life is rich on experiences to share with you.

I am living, breathing proof that even when things don't heal, they are bearable, become easier to deal with. My heart still aches daily for you, but it is out of want and need but I can wake up and get out of bed because I know that is what you would want and need from me. I thank God every day for the gift of life so that I can make you proud sweet angel. My hope in life is to succeed.

Happy Birthday my sweet little Harper Bean. I want nothing more than you to know my love.

I love you and I miss you.

Love always & forever,

Mommy

The LBD Part 2

Dear Harper,

Things have been crazy but please know that I have not forgotten you. You are always in mind, especially as July comes nearer. I took a hiatus from writing, waiting for the words. You know I don't want to feel forced.

I wish you were here. You've had to watch from afar all the things you should be here for. Your sister's recital just happened. It was her first one, and what she wouldn't have given to have you there. You were there in spirit though, I felt you there.

I was rushing around the house all morning. I snatched Brianna out of bed and rushed her to Sammi so she could get her hair and make up done for recital. We had to be there no later than 12:30 so we were on a time crunch. Her hair and make up were so beautiful but I was still in my pajamas! We walked in the door, pulled Brianna's first outfit on and I went to get my hair and make up together. I only had 30 minutes to get ready.

Your grandma bought me a dress to wear, a cute black and white dress, shoes to match. It was going to be perfect, only when I put it on I felt miserable. I looked in the mirror, scoffing at the image looking back. My hair was good, my make up was as good as it could get for the rush but something was just off about the dress.

I quickly made my way to my room, to dig for ANYTHING else to wear. I tried on shoes with the dress Grandma bought but was still not happy. I put on a hundred things with it and just nothing suited me. I didn't want to even go at this point, I had 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. I sat on the edge of the bet, almost pouting, almost sobbing.

I stared at the closet begging it to give me an idea, ANY inspiration. And there it was...the little black dress. I shimmied out of the clothes that I had on and quickly slipped it over my head. It was a bit loose but I felt wonderful putting it on. It clings to all the right spots, loose in all the others, gives me a nice neckline. It fits perfect. I had to wear flip flops with it because my heels were nowhere to be found, turns out that it was perfect.

Nothing felt better than walking out the door in that little black dress. Grandma eyed me suspiciously but she understood when I gave her the look. We took our seats at the recital and it was almost as if I could tell you were there watching her, giving her the confidence to get on stage.

The last couple of weeks and the next couple are the hardest ones every year. Life without you has gone on in a way but there is always a spot where you should be. An emptiness that can't be filled. My heart has this shadow where you fit, and while you're there it's not the way I want it, but is it ever?

Thank you sweet Bean for pointing out that dress again. I miss you, I love you.

Love you Harper. Always and forever. Until we meet again, I will keep writing.

Love,

Mommy

Multiplied

Dear Harper,

My friend Keri seems to have said it best when she captioned a picture of her rainbow on facebook "The love I feel for you always seems to be multiplied by two..."

When I look at your baby sister I feel this way. I feel all the love I have for you plus the love I have for her. Looking at her makes me so thankful and then I get even more thankful that I was given you, even if only for a brief moment. 
 
I find you everywhere, in every beam of sunlight trickling into our house, in the quiet laughter of your big sister and her friends. I find you in the explosion of toys your baby sister leaves in her wake.  I find you in the sparkle of your brother's eyes. You are there and I feel love that is multiplied by two. 


I find you in the storm, you are a guiding light to get me through. I find you when things go just right, or when I am running late and need a parking space, you are always just right there as my ever loving, guiding hand. My heart swells, and often as do the tears. You are there.


I find you in the breeze as it whispers your name, I find you in the leaves rustling the same. I find you in pennies in parking lots, and I find you in the clouds in the sky. Every where I go, you are there and my love is multiplied by two. 

Even though you are not with me I find you in everything. I find you in my joy, I find you in my pain. I find you in the sun and I find you in the rain. And though you are not in my arms, I find you in my heart. 

I love you Bean.

Love,

Mommy

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...

A sister is a forever friend

Dear Harper,

I am compelled to tell you about your sisters. You only had one when you were born but now you have two beautiful sisters in your life, or what would have been your life. 

Your sister, Brianna, was so very excited that mommy was going to have a baby "lizard". She was only 4 when I found out I was pregnant with you and was going to turn 5 just a couple of months before your were to be born. As little as she was, and not understanding things when "it" happened, she is is a very intuitive little girl. She remembers now being only 5 months away from 7 years old. She holds me when I need to be held and she snaps me out of it when I am in a daze dreaming of holding you again. She is beautiful in every way, even when she is at her worst. She has this cute little nose, and you had it too. You looked a lot like her when you were born. Her almost almond eyes that are as big as moons, you were even going to have her little gap in your teeth (which you get from your momma), I saw the ridge in your gums. You had her long "piano player" fingers and I am not exactly how you all got long fingers because mine are short and stubby. You were beautiful just like Brianna...just breathtaking.

Your sister was so cute when you were in utero, she wanted to share her room with you, her bed with you and was even willing to maybe share a few of her stuffed animals with you. In her eyes, you were being born to be her best friend because at 4 she didn't have one yet. She helped me pick out clothes for you and we would buy them and hang them in "you all's cwoset" as she would say. 

There are days I look back now and think that I might have known your tiny feet would never grace this Earth. I had an urgency about EVERYTHING. We told our friends right away, we even gave your grandpa the test for his birthday just a mere 24 hours after I took it. We wanted everyone to know about you as soon as possible. Your grandma said she would buy the crib for us and I had it picked and waiting for her. It arrived and rested under your sister's bed until we found out if you were a boy or girl. I bought clothing for you because I just didn't want you to be naked, we bought diapers and wipes, and burp clothes. Everything we would need for you. There was hardly anything to register for which I didn't want to do...odd, I wanted to do it with your brother and sister. In all of my preparing I wanted to find a "big sister" shirt for Brianna. I would always find darling ones and I never could bring myself to buy it. 

It was almost as if there was a tiny hand holding me back saying "wait" because I knew if I bought it that she would want to wear it and it would make me have to explain that while she was a big sister that she wasn't really. I wanted you to myself, I didn't want to share you day in and day out. I wanted all of you to stay right with me. I was afraid I would lose pieces of you. These were all feelings that I had before I learned that you grew your wings early.  A sense of urgency to let the world know you existed but an extreme need to keep you to myself. These are the feelings I recognize as knowing you weren't staying. 

Then just a short 7 weeks after your death, there's that word again...death, I found out that that we were having another baby. I panicked, it was ugly because it lasted so long. At 16 weeks we found out that we were having another girl and I was excited because Brianna was going to be a sister and I was going to get to tell her all about her big sister in heaven. I panicked the whole pregnancy, even rented a heart doppler so I could check on her any time I wanted or needed to because I was fearful. It was a long pregnancy and I was so thankful when she was born. I knew you were there looking over her. 

She knows about you, I tell her all the time. She is beautiful & perfect and always happy! She has worn everything that I bought for you and every time I put something on her I get teary eyed and tell her it was her big sister Harper's. I think you gave her a touch of your personality, or what I think you would be like. She is only 8 months old now but she is going to know who you are because I'm going to make sure to tell her.

Sisters are forever friends, Harper. I have no blood sisters unlike you but I have a couple friends who are my sisters without being blood related. They are always there to catch me when I fall, to hug me when I cry, to knock me out of my funk when I am down. I can always count on them for a laugh, and to catch my tears when they fall. They are my sisters, my forever friends. Your brother and sisters call them "auntie" because they are my sisters.

 I could not have survived without them...I would have dried up and become nothing without their help, their friendship, their sisterhood. Not even your Super Daddy could have fixed the aches, pains and broken things they did. Your daddy pieced back parts of my heart only he could, but my sisters pieced back the rest that only that kind of love and friendship can. Your Auntie Lee raced back to hold me when she was in Flordia. She held my hand and was my rock when I needed her, she caught hundreds of thousands of tears and cried with me when I mourned you. Your Auntie Karen reached out with her ever loving arms and embraced me in a way only she can do. (Thanks for urging her to come back to Kentucky...I really do appreciate that!) And your Auntie Holly, she held my hand, she cried for me but never with me because she was placed here to be my stone of strength. These are women that I am not sure how I could survive without everyday because they know me, they understand me and they still love me even with all of my faults.

I often find it hard to remember my life before having kids, and like that, I find it hard to remember my life before my sisters came into it. They have just always been there, just like your brother and sisters. Always there for me, walking the rough roads and the easy right beside me. I love them, and it's a bond like no other.
 

These are my forever friends, my sisters. They love you, Harper, in only a way they can. They miss you as much as I do, and even cry for you just like Mommy does. Sisterhood goes beyond death into eternity and these are things I need you to know. That when your sisters cross over to meet you, you will have a bond like no other with them. This is one of the greatest blessings I could have ever given you. You gave me the blessing of having another daughter and bringing me even close to the women that God brought me as sisters.  

I love you Harper, to the moon and back. 

Mommy