Monday, March 12, 2012

just a letter...

Dear Harper, 

 I know it has been a week or more since I wrote last. I just don't want my letters to you to feel forced. These words that I write, they come to me on their own, they come from my heart and if they feel pulled it just won't be the same.

I have had a heavy heart, missing you so intensely lately. I am not sure why but it comes just as quickly and easily as the sun sets and rises. I hold your sister and long to hold you again. My heart has openly ached for you this past week. I think about you all the time, and when I stare into your sister's sleeping face I miss you. 

 People say things like "Time heals all wounds." or "It has to be easier now that you have a baby." but the truth in the matter is that those things are false. Time has not healed, nor will it ever heal the open oozing wound that your death left me with. A piece of my soul is forever gone with you. There are days that the pain of losing you is still so raw and new that it feels as if it just happened, then there are other days where the wound is just a dull aching pain. Time does one thing passes.

It has been 20 months since you left my arms, so small and frail, yet so incredibly perfect. There is not a day that passes that I don't wish I had more time with you.  Your sweet smell burned into my brain, and every now and then when I am thinking about you I can smell you. 

If there is one word that does not describe me at all it would be skeptic. I believe in the forces of nature, and the forces of spirit completely. I believe that you are able to "visit" if you will, with us and let me know you are okay. I have always believed in the supernatural and a person's ability to commune with spirits. It started about 5 days after your memorial service, I still find it hard to believe it was MY child being memorialized. I had not read your obituary, I was reluctant because it made it so real. They laid on the wall separating the kitchen from the hallway for a week or better. I finally decided that I was going to read what was written about my sweet little love in the paper and all of a sudden our entire house was filled with your scent. You came to let me know I would be okay, you knew then what I needed. 

In the past 20 months, when my heart is aching in such a way, you filled my head with your scent. It is a scent that only you could have, so different from your sisters' smells. Brianna's is sweet like candy and Harlie's is almost floral but yours is just a hint of sweetness, and almost metallic. It is what you smelled like as I held you close for those few hours, it is what your hat & blanket smell like. I keep them tucked away but when it is exceptionally hard for me to breathe without you I open your cedar chest and hold them close.  

How has it been 20 months? I don't understand how the world can keep moving without you in it. How have I had another child and you don't know her? There are so many things I need you to know, so many thoughts I have for you.As I laid in the hospital, in labor with you,I thought about the choices I had, that I could let this rule my life forever and I could be mad about the hand I was dealt or I could pick up, try to mend the pieces of my broken heart and move along. 

I chose to let it strengthen me, to not let it define me but become a part of who I was in my life and to let it lead me to help other women who have suffered this travesty in their lives too. You have brought me to some of the most amazing women I have the pleasure of calling my friends, Corin & Deanna to just name a couple. They know you, they love you the way that I do and they know the suffering that is child loss. 

When my heart aches to hold you, I call upon those women who know this ache so well. They are there to hold my hand in a way only they can. So 20 months have passed, and I ache from this open oozing wound proudly calling myself Harper's Mom. Even in my weakest hour, in my misery, in my pain, in my tears, I am proud to be your mommy. You have taught me so much with so little. 

I love you Harper Bean, I miss you even more.



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