Thursday, February 16, 2012

I miss you...all the time

Dear Harper,

It's been 19 long months since I answered with a meek nod of my head when I was asked if I was "ready for her to go back". Back is not somewhere anyone wants to talk about, but I will say it. They asked me if I was ready for them to return you to the morgue. How does a mother answer that question? I knew it was time, I knew my time with you was over and it was the right thing to do but it not something I was ready for or wanted to do. I miss you, more lately than usual. Some of these past few days I am swept into the grief as if it were only yesterday. I call them "blue days".

I took your big sister, Brianna, shopping the other day and was told how beautiful she was. When asked how many kids I had I quickly responded that I have 4 but I only got to keep 3 of them. I try to tell people about you but I get these sad looks, and so many say "I'm sorry" or they quickly change the subject because apparently you are taboo. If that is the case then I guess I am taboo too because I talk about you all the time. I tell people how beautiful you were when you were here and how I got to know you for 25 weeks and how I can't wait to know you more. I tell them about all the little things you do for me and I get strange sideways looks like I might be on the crazy side. 

I'm not sure why it has taken me 19 months to decide to start writing down my letters to you. I think them all the time, sometimes I Facebook status them but that no longer seems enough. Some days my hurt & grief needs more than just a few minutes on a page, it needs eternity to simmer and dissipate. I want to be able and go back so I can read to you the things I need you to know. 

You not only have a big sister and a big brother who wanted you more than you could ever know, you now have a baby sister. She is named for you Harper. Kaden and your grandma came up with it, her name is Harlyn. I think she looks quite like you only a bit bigger. She was born just a short 11 months after you were. Don't think it is because we didn't miss you and we moved on because we didn't. Mommy needed a distraction and so that was it, another pregnancy to pass the time by. She was born a month before your first birthday and even at only a month old she helped us celebrate your first birthday by letting go of a balloon. 

Her birth was peppered with very mixed emotions, I was so elated that I had a new baby but it also made me miss you a million times more. I never ever thought she would fill the spot in my heart that was meant for you but I never thought I could feel so torn. I felt guilty because I was happy that I had her but then I felt sad because you weren't here. They have a term for babies born so closely, it's Irish Twins. You guys were 329 days apart. Even now that Harlyn is almost 9 months old, those feelings are the same. Some days are better than others and then she might do something that makes me miss you again like I did in those first days.

I never moved on, and never let it go. I woke up and learned how to deal with my grief, I learned how to carry on and function in a world that was no longer the happy place I thought it was before you. I had to learn how to live in a place that you didn't exist anymore. We left your crib up and made, we left your clothes hanging in the closet. I took lots of pictures of you to hang in our home. We made a spot for you just like your big brother and sister. Your pictures are all over the house so we can make sure your baby sister knows all about you. The days progress and sometimes I wonder how it's been so long and I didn't really notice the time passing. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in pause and the rest of the world is rushing around me at lightning speed. In these moments I close my eyes and go back to the moment I saw each of my babies and how proud I was each and every time. 

My friend Corin sent me a pocket stone with your name in it. I have carried it everywhere since it arrived. You know, I wouldn't know her if it wasn't for you. I have met so many amazing and strong women because of you. I bet you are a busy little bean having all those friends up there. The day it arrived was a very hard day for me and I am not sure why it was harder than others but it was almost like you were blowing me a kiss by that tiny package arriving. 

My letters come more frequently now that I know it's okay to let it all out. I miss you Harper, more and more as the days pass. I love you even more than I miss you. Life goes on but nothing has changed when it comes to those two things.  I know with each word I write to you my heart lightens because I know somehow that you are reading this.

I love you sweet Bean. 


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