Friday, February 17, 2012

The funny man is also the lover.

Dear Harper,

Today I feel the need to tell you about your big brother. Ah, what a lover. He wanted you from the moment that we told him we were having a baby. He wanted a sister, not a brother. He knew he could protect you from day one, or at least he felt he could.  He was so young yet so incredibly wise for his years. We told both your  brother and your sister about you very early in the pregnancy.  I had a sense of urgency in the matters that involved you. 

We told him about you when I was just 6 weeks pregnant. We showed him a picture of a baby at 6 weeks and immediately he chimed up that he was going to be a big brother again. And he said you looked like a bean on the ultrasound and so you became His Bean.  Your nickname will always be Harper Bean because of your brother. His bean.

He told all his friends at school. He talked to my belly, and rubbed my belly trying to connect with you. You knew it too, the moment I could feel you kicking and squirming which was early because I knew what I was feeling. Every time he spoke a word while I was in the same room with him you started wriggling all over the place. When you were having what I called a "quiet day" all I would have to do it call for him and he would tell you all the things he was going to teach you or he would read you a book and you would just jump like the little bean that you were. 

Your brother is wise beyond his years, what we here on Earth call an old soul. He has always known just the right thing to say at just the right time. In the days following your passing I remember his sweet baby face crawling into the bed with me and saying "It's okay Mommy, you did your very best but Harper is in heaven now and she is all better." How did he know that I needed that? He is so smart and so sweet. In the 19 months following your passing he has guided me with short bursts of wisdom like these exactly when I need them. I believe in my heart that sometimes your hand is gently guiding him to these things. He is so in tune with my soul. 

Kaden sending you a balloon on your first birthday

Your brother is a funny man too. I married your daddy because he was a funny man and I guess he passed the torch to your brother. I wish you knew him and all his crazy jokes and antics. The other day we were driving in the car to school and a song that was played at your funeral came on. (Funny thing talking about MY child's funeral, doesn't seem real or that I am at a point in life where I could lose a child.) I was tearing up but he was in the back so he couldn't see my face but he could read my body language, tightened grip on the steering wheel, head in a lower position that normal, shoulders rolled forward. See he is so intelligent in reading me. And out of the blue I hear his beautiful voice carrying to my ears, not an "I'm sorry you are sad" or "It will be okay mommy" but I hear "Just so you know, you should never play the name game with the word truck." So with a giggle on my breath and the tears subsiding I ask him why. He coolly responds with "There's a bad word in it". And I giggle some more. These are excerpts from the Kaden's Book of Knowledge and we are labeling that one #22. He knows when I am in need of a good laugh and that's why I married your daddy, he always knows when I need a laugh...the lover and the funny man. 

Your brother is an angel among us I think. His little body grieved you as hard as I did. He doesn't let a moment escape without a thought of you, what will happen to your ashes when mommy and daddy die. You never want to talk about death with your kids but for your brother and sister it was thrown in their faces. I never thought  I would have to think about who would take your ashes when I died, mostly because I never thought I would have a child's ashes to think about. But now, your brother, the funny man, has decided that he wants them when I die. I asked him if he wanted mine too and he responded with a quick "Nope, just Harper's. Your urn will probably be big and take up a lot of space". Again, the funny man. I am sure some people will read this and think how morbid it is to talk about such things but you have to find the silver lining in everything or you will just sink into a pit of dark. I found this considerably funny, given the circumstances. His random facts are my silver lining. They take me away from the grief when it is abounding. 

Your brother misses you in every inch of the world, in every cell of his body. I think sometimes he is torn in happiness in and in grief because of the birth of your sister. I tell him this is okay and he continues on. Just like mommy proudly announces that she has 4 children but only  3 got to stay with him, Kaden proudly announces that he has 3 sisters but one is in heaven. 

This world is a better place because of him. I am so proud to call him my son, and I am proud of who he is. I think you would be proud to call him brother. I just hope you are watching so you can know him more.

I love you sweet Bean.



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