After the Storm

Dear Harper,

It has been a while, I know. It's just that after I sent you birthday wishes I have been solemn in my thoughts for you. Not withdrawing but pensive. My birthday was just a month after yours. It is hard celebrating my birthday without you, and your sister takes a toll as well because her birthday is just the day before mine. This year I turned 30, and decided that I would try my hardest to make the best of my 30's.

In celebration of my birthday we went to see Mumford and Sons. To the innocent bystander this seems like a normal birthday proceeding but it was anything but. It was heart wrenching, beautiful, healing, a torrent of emotions inside me. Their music had been my saving grace on days I felt I couldn't cope.

Standing there and watching the opening bands I was getting pumped to see Mumford and Sons but the second that I heard the beginning of Little Lion Man I began to cry, tears flooded my eyes. I turned my phone on and videoed the set because I couldn't see and I didn't want to miss it. Your daddy cried too. It was such a beautiful release as we stood there on the waterfront watching them pour their souls into their music the way we poured our souls out to it.

After the first song we collected ourselves, we watched, we danced, we took pictures, we hugged and we enjoyed ourselves...never resting during their hour and half set. I felt so lifted and happy watching them. I ached for you to be there as we stood watching what has soothed my aching heart for months on end. They played old stuff and new stuff but a song was missing...THE song was missing. The Cave.

I was heartbroken as they said goodnight to the crowd and walked off stage for the 2nd time that night. The first was only to replace instruments broken during a song. This time it felt like they were done and I was at a loss. I was left wanting....needing to hear the cave. I guessed that the iPod would just have to do when we got back to the car. But something told me not to budge as we watched many start heading to the gate.  I wanted to hear The Cave and I wasn't leaving because I had a feeling.

Your daddy and I stood there and watched an empty stage with thousands of other onlookers waiting for the same thing we were waiting for. I felt my heart warming as I watched them file back out to their fans. The sound filled the air as I heard the music start and I was ready...I needed this.

I released all my feelings and cried freely as I stood there watching and hearing, feeling almost out of body as it wafted across the field. I heard nothing and saw nothing but that song, I felt free in that moment. Free of pain for just that five minutes. In that moment I knew for sure you had followed along with us. It was cold that night, overcast and a bit misty but my heart was warm.

I love you sweet Harper. You gave me the greatest birthday gift anyone could ask for, a release that I had needed for quite sometime.

I miss you my little darling...more than you could ever know.

Love,

Mommy

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Your daddy....

Dear Harper,

Today is our wedding anniversary, daddy and I have been married for nine years. It's hard to remember life before I met him. It's funny how we forget things that didn't hold a lot of meaning.

Daddy and I have had our ups and downs, our sickness and in healths and definitely our for better and for worse. I know there will be more to come because nothing is ever as perfect as we want but I feel like as long as I have him I can conquer the world.

When we got married it seemed the cards were stacked against us. A lot of people really didn't think we would make it to our first year. We were so broke and a lot of "they are too young" came our way but we didn't let it get to us. We worked through it all.

Over the last nine years we have fought, we've been mad. We've laughed, we've cried, we've smiled. In the last nine years we have created 4 beautiful children. You changed not only me when you were born, but your daddy. You taught him so many things.

You taught your daddy how to love deeply and how to be grateful in the moment for the blessings he has been given. You have taught him how to let go of the little things and how to handle better the big things. It has been amazing to watch him over the last 21 months morph into the person he is now. I loved him with every fiber of being then and I love him even more now.

Your daddy was a rock when you died. (Today typing that word make my heart feel like a hand is around it choking the life out of me.) He cried, but only when he thought I wasn't awake or when I wasn't around. He stayed steady and strong for me. He held my hand, even while his world was falling apart around him, he stayed strong for me. He took care of me, making sure I ate everyday, making sure I bathed and changed clothes at least every other day. He took care of all the things I did that honestly he was unsure of.  He had help with your brother and sister but he managed them too.

When we went to the funeral home the night of your memorial, he held my hand and allowed me to take the time I needed to walk in there. He held my heart in his hands as it shattered all over again looking at your tiny urn on that table. I wasn't supposed to be there, you weren't supposed to be there. You should have been in my belly and I should have been at home but we weren't. You and I were there in that moment, in that funeral home, I felt you all around me but I couldn't have stood up with out him by my side.

He rubbed my arm after the service and he let me know it was okay to let out a sigh of relief and sit on the pew after everyone had dispersed. I remember he laughed a little and let me know it was okay to smile when I said "Thank God that is over." It is so unbelievably hard to sit in a room filled with people feeling sorry for you. He waited with me for the 30 minutes or so after everyone left before I was ready to go, and he never said "let's go" or anything. He knew that I needed that time, because a lot of those people were at the house waiting for us to arrive. What is it with funerals and people convening and bringing food to you?

He held me every night as I cried myself to sleep in your blankets. I was always afraid they wouldn't smell like you after a while and I would never be able to smell you again and he reassured me as I put them in your memory box for the last time.

He encouraged me as I put up your pictures in our house, and backed me up when others didn't think it was "healthy". What's not healthy is not acknowledging that you were alive to begin with. He kept me busy when I missed you the most, and he would just let me babble on for hours about whatever non-sense was coming out of my mouth.

The truth is, I believe that your daddy is my soul mate. I know he is. I believe fate brought us together.  I believe in happily ever after, even if it isn't all happy all the time, I believe in love at first sight...I believe that I have that with your daddy. He is my knight in shining armor, he has rescued me so many times and so many times from my own faults.

He is one the most forgiving people I know. I know that he loves me with all of heart and soul, and not just because he tells me but by his actions. I would have taught you that actions speak louder than words and I never got to. Your daddy is great with this, his love speaks volumes by the little things and after nine years it is a lot about the little things.

They say you either marry your mother or your father. I never believed that but as I get older I realize that I did. I think my dad, your grandpa, is a great man, a strong man, a fighter for things he believes in and loves, and a man of values. These are also things that I find easily in your daddy. Your daddy has a strong heart and a strong will (like your grandpa, he can be very stubborn.) And I know your daddy would fight for me in an instant. He would give everything and more for his family.

He is an amazing man, and I think a lot of it because of you.

I love you Harper.

Love always,

Mommy