It is hard to believe that 21 months have flown by so fast. Where has time gone? Each day it is a little easier to breathe, each day the steps I walk are easier to take but the wound is still open and oozing. That will never change, no matter how many beats my heart has left in it.
I think when I started this blog people thought I would write to you everyday. Sometimes I feel guilty about not writing everyday but sometimes the words just don't come to me, they feel forced and that's not what I want. I want every word I type to you to come from heart. I want you to know that I mean everything I say to you.
I am so lucky. Not luck in the sense that most people take it but rather Blessed. I feel that way a lot. I feel blessed that I have a home, I have healthy children, a wonderful husband. I feel blessed that storms pass by us without damaging our home. I feel blessed that your sister and brother have a good school to go to, that your daddy has a job. I feel blessed to have you. Even in heartache, it is better to have had you than not.
I see so many people complaining about how bad things are for them, how they need this or that to make it better, how one little thing didn't go their way so they want to just say screw it all. That bothers me because they just don't understand how much worse it could be. They don't understand the bigger picture, does that tiny minute thing make so bad? Even when things seems to be going exactly opposite of what I need I always try to find the silver lining. If you don't you are going to spend that moment in the dark and not see the beauty that can come from it. Beauty will rise.
Why do they not see that even when you are at rock bottom there is always someone who has it worse than you? I thought I might die because it hurt so bad to live without you. I wanted to die because I had to live my life without you. I couldn't think of anything worse, except if something were to happen to Kaden or Brianna. I did not want to go on without you, and
then I found another blog on here written by a man who lost not only his
child but his wife too because a drink driver hit them. That was torture. He was surely ready to die too. I knew one thing for certain, He was definitely battling more demons than I.
I believe that all things happen for a reason. It may be the cheesiest thing for someone to say and the very last thing someone in my shoes wants to hear, but I believe it. I didn't WANT to be the one in a million with you, I didn't WANT you to die but it happened. Looking back upon it, 21 months later, I see that someone HAD to be the one in a million, and God (or whatever your high power is) chose me because he knew that I was strong enough to come out the other side of the storm a stronger person. Even though this is not necessarily the path I would have chosen I feel like it has made me a better person.
I choose not to complain about all the little dark corner, the big long dark hallways but rather rejoice in the light at the end of that hallway, the flicker of a flashlight in those corners. You, my sweet little bean, have made me look on the bright side, you have made me a glass half full kind of person. You, while leaving me wounded, have made my heart better.
It is amazing how that tiny set of feet left such huge imprints on my life. I will never be the same.
I love you Sweet Bean,